


Deadpool Says Hi

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Yet Another Gratuitously Fluffy Darcyland Soulmate AU [10]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Crack, Darcyland, F/M, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, gratuitous shattering of the fourth wall, i'm going to try making him his own tag, shameless references to, this is a weird one kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 23:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7733299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you're constantly being attacked by goons, having a Soulmate with a thing for sharp, pointy objects can come in handy.<br/>Or so Darcy figures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deadpool Says Hi

**Author's Note:**

> *casually slides on teen rating, just to be safe*  
> This one's for [londonross](http://archiveofourown.org/users/londonross/pseuds/londonross), who requested a Darcy/Deadpool pairing.
> 
> I'm really not sure what this is. All I know is it's weirder than Darcy and the Bots, and I thought that one was strange.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Trigger Warning for decapitation. That's literally it, but just so you know.

Darcy always knew her soulmate was going to be…different.  The Words spiraling down her left bicep were written in a rather elegant hand, which was completely at odds with the off-the-wall statement itself.

She just didn’t realize quite how different he would be until the day he literally dropped from the sky in front of her.

Technically, he dropped onto one of the three Hydra goons who had her cornered in an alley—why was it always an alley?  The first goon was drooling on the—frankly disgusting—ground, curtesy of her taser, Palpatine.  For some reason, the other two didn’t take kindly to their comrade being pumped through with fifty thousand volts.  Some people were so _sensitive._   She knew she’d be able to get the second one, but Palpatine was going to fail her before she could get to the third, just like his namesake.  That didn’t mean she would be thrown down the power shaft without covering her enemies in lightning, and wow, this was really not the time to be acting out the Return of the Jedi.

She was never going for a walk without Balrog again, even if he did make people nervous.  He _was_ a licensed purebred Yukon Elk Hound, after all, and she had the fake documentation to prove it.

Still, she’d never been so glad to see two people decapitated as she was when the figure in the red and black morph suit crashed their party and whipped out a pair of katanas.  Normally she was against violence—okay, fatal violence—but when they were plotting to cart her off to an undisclosed location and/or off her right there in the alley?

Yeah, she didn’t really have a problem with them getting their comeuppance.

As a plus, she realized she actually sort-of recognized her guardian angel of death, and the odds of him turning those katanas on her were reasonably low.  _‘I know you.  You’re like Wolverine, but with a sense of humour.  Thanks for the save, by the way.’_

He paused in the middle of cleaning his swords on the goons’ clothes and stared at her for a long time.  At least, she thought that’s what he was doing.  The lack of visible eyeballs made it hard to tell.  Finally he straightened and slid them back into the sheaths on his back.  _‘I got nothing.  That’s a first.  You’d think I would have seen this coming, but apparently the ability to break the fourth wall doesn’t automatically make me clairvoyant.  Inconvenient, that.  Can we just pretend I made an incredibly witty remark that is worthy of being your Words?’_

‘No prob.’  She shrugged.  ‘You got saddled with a reference to Wolverine, so who am I to complain about what my Words say?  I’m Darcy Lewis, by the way.  What do they call you when you’re not being the “merc with a mouth?”’  She frowned, tapping her chin.  ‘And isn’t that kind of misleading, seeing as you don’t _have_ a visible mouth?’

‘I’ve often wondered that myself, but I think the writers were going for something a little more metaphorical.  Really, though, they’re a bunch of nerds.  They just wanted something with alliteration.  At any rate, Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool, AKA completely insane mercenary who really shouldn’t be allowed within a hundred feet of anything that can be turned into a weapon.  So basically, I should have been launched into space within the first couple of issues.  Sorry if I come off a little OOC,’ he added as she shook the hand he offered.  ‘Unlike her brothers, the author never appreciated the deep and nuanced character that is moi.  All she knows is stuff they told her, and things she saw on tumblr.’  Glaring at the sky, he yelled, ‘Before she blacklisted me!’ 

Shaking his head, he sighed, eying the bodies on the ground.  Looking back at Darcy, he tapped his fingers together uncertainly in front of his chest.  For someone who had just killed two men without batting an eye—presumably—it was oddly endearing.  ‘I feel I should warn you that I’m certifiably insane with violent tendencies, and I’d completely understand if you didn’t want to follow through with the whole soulmate thing.’  Laughing mirthlessly, he added, ‘I’m obviously not what you’d consider normal.’

‘Dude.  My best friend is a legit mad scientist.  I’m the adopted sister of the Norse god of thunder, who I tased when we first met.  I have a pet bilgesnipe named Balrog.  Nothing in my life is what anyone in their right mind would consider “normal”.  In fact, I’m so far away from normal that I can’t see it with a telescope, and Jane has access to some pretty sweet telescopes.’  She reached out, taking his hands in hers and stilling their fidgeting.  ‘Trust me, you’ll fit in just fine.’

He let out a gasp, pressing their hands over his heart and popping a foot.  ‘If this were a romantic comedy instead of a cut-rate fanfic, this would be the point when _What Makes You Beautiful_ would start playing.  Too bad the Ao3 site hasn’t figured out how to play music yet.’  He stared into the distance.

‘Uh, what are you doing?’

‘Shhh.’  He put a finger over her mouth, which she swatted away.  ‘I’m making soulful eye contact with our readers.’  He waved.  ‘Hi, everybody!  Hugs and kisses!’  He made a heart with his hands and whispered, ‘You’re my fave!’

‘Do you do this all the time?’

‘Do what?’

‘Never mind.’

He shrugged.  ‘Okey dokey.’  Bowing dramatically, he pressed a kiss to her hand.  ‘Well then, Miss Lewis, would you do me the honour of running away with me to Gretna Green?’

She tugged her hand free.  ‘Points for familiarity with Jane Austen-related trivia, but that’s not a thing people do anymore.  Plus, Scotland’s a few thousand miles away.  Not very practical for an elopement.’

He scratched his chin thoughtfully, then brightened (and how she could tell that through the full mask he wore, she had no idea.  It was either a soulmate thing or a Deadpool thing.  Probably both).  ‘Okay then, how about Las Vegas?  I’ve always wanted Elvis to perform my wedding ceremony.’  He looked to the side again.  ‘I know.  I’m so adorable it’s disgusting.  I can practically hear your heads exploding.’

‘Uh-huh.  Thanks for the offer, but my wedding dreams do not include Elvis in any way, shape, or form.  How about we settle for coffee and a new chew toy for Balrog?  He goes through them like you wouldn’t believe.’

‘No sweat!  Does he have a favourite brand?  Hydra?  AIM?  Random thug off the street?  I can get a sweet three for one deal if I hit up this bar I know.  I mean,’ he kicked one of the bodies, ‘we could just go with one of these, but he’d probably prefer one that still squeaks, amirite?’

‘Wade my man, any one of those and Balrog will adore you.  I think we’re going to get along just fine.’

He sucked in a deep breath and let out a tiny ‘yay!’ while bringing his fists under his chin and dancing in place.  ‘Can I play fetch with your bilgesnipe?’

‘Only if you don’t mind being the stick.’

‘Awesome!’

**Author's Note:**

> Wade makes it his mission in life to A) keep Darcy safe and B) keep Balrog in goon chew toys. Both appreciate his efforts, though the Avengers are rather horrified at how well Wade and Balrog get along. Since Wade is perfectly willing to let Balrog chew on him when there aren't any goons available, Balrog decided that he's the next best person in the whole wide universe. After Darcy, of course.
> 
> Also, I have yet to actually blacklist him. He's just mad because I refused to go see his profane R-rated movie.
> 
> As always, you can leave prompts in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask). No smut or slash, please and thanks!


End file.
